So in Forrest Gump we learned that life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you’re getting. I beg to disagree. For me life is like a tray of Jelly Belly jellybeans…you think you know what you’re getting: then you get surprised.

Last night I was pleasantly surprised with a tray of Jelly Belly (the 40 flavors variant). Now I’m a big sucker for jellybeans, but the mild OC psycho within me hates it when the damn beans come in jars. I remember when I was a kid and I would get a jar of Jelly Belly I would pour out all the contents on a bowl and separate the beans one by one in ice cube trays to separate them by color. It defeats the purpose of the damn candy but I am a control freak. I have no control over the other shit the universe throws at me, so please at least with jellybeans, let me have the delusion of control.

Now back to Jelly Belly. Jelly Belly has over 50 flavors and the tray I got (40 flavors) were as follows: Island Punch, Pomegranate, Buttered Popcorn, Orange Sherbet, Chocolate Pudding, Strawberry Daiquiri, French Vanilla, Green Apple, Caramel Corn, Raspberry, Kiwi, Berry Blue, Bubble Gum, Red Apple, Sunkist Lemon, Chili Mango, Crushed Pineapple, Strawberry Cheesecake, Blueberry, Lemon Lime, Coconut, Top Banana, Licorice, A&W Cream Soda, Mixed Berry Smoothie, Very Cherry, Juicy Pear, A&W Root Beer, Sunkist Orange, Dr. Pepper, Peach, Tutti-Frutti, Margarita, Sizzling Cinnamon, Sunkist Tangerine, Cappuccino, Toasted Marshmallow, Cotton Candy, Watermelon, Pina Colada.

Then there’s the Bean Boozled shiz that comes along with every tray or jar. That bean that’s supposed to look like the other beans but is actually flavored effin differently, and I mean differently! Imagine eating Barf or Baby Wipes!

Skunk Spray (Licorice), Pencil Shavings (Top Banana), Rotten Egg (Buttered Popcorn), Toothpaste (Berry Blue), Canned Dog Food (Chocolate Pudding), Barf (Peach), Booger (Juicy Pear), Moldy Cheese (Caramel Corn), Baby Wipes (Coconut), Centipede (Strawberry Jam).

So what do all these flavors have to do with our lives and the universe? Simple. We try to choose the best bean, but the supposedly best bean sometimes turns out to be rotten shit. Which we swallow anyway, because we know we can get another bean and maybe the taste will be better.

There are beans that we prefer more than others and we try to get them. But these are also the beans that run out first, and then the beans would be gone already and you’re just stuck with all the other beans that are left.

Moral of the story: just eat whatever damn bean you get. Don’t try to get the all the best ones. Do not attempt to avoid the sucky ones. Just eat the damn bean when you get it. Savor the flavor. Then move on.

So this coming Valentines, remember that chocolates are overrated. Jellybeans are for the wise.