ANAK KA NG JUETENG!

LA SUPER LAST SUPPER!

Bureaucrazy.

I won’t be surprised if one of these days a person would run amok because of the craziness of our bureaucratic system. The system is filled with so much red tape, I’m surprised our government buildings are not colored red. The system is so slow, I’m surprised a wormhole in the fabric of time hadn’t opened up and swallowed them yet.

Left: the film's protagonist C: his hunky assistant R: one of the Last Suppers being considered for a corned beef advertisement

Last night I was able to watch the Cinemalaya 5’s Best Picture: the comedic tale of Last Supper No. 3. I would like to place emphasis on how other universities suck, because UP unlike them, has again sponsored the re-showing of these year’s Cinemalaya entries. Hurrah for liberal education! Hurrah for freedom of the UP Film Institute! Hurrah for me being a UP student! Sucks to be you other university students!

Anyway.

Last Supper No. 3 is about the riveting tale of a gay production assistant who loses a measly Last Supper tapestry and the series of unfortunate bureaucratic events which escalated after that. The comic attack of the film on one of the biggest problems of our country is effective and will indeed send you in a laughing fit. But after laughing so hard from all the Murphy’s Law (everything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong) action that is happening in the screen, the movie will make you think: why do we even have this sort of problem?

The bone of contention: Last Supper No.3

The bureaucracy is supposed to bring order by presenting a system which works and functions for the convenience of the people. But oftentimes this is not the case. Long lines, frustrating employees, dilapidated structures, fucked-up justice system, no wonder people are not fans of the prospect of entering a government building.

For what it is worth, the film deserves to win for one important aspect: it provides a refreshing take on an important but already mundanely-perceived subject. Plus Maricel Soriano and Ricky Davao made cameos. Plus it is far better than the dizzying darkness of Engkwentro.

By the way it is based on a true story.

Literally.

WATCH OUT FOR THE WATCHMEN

“I’m not locked in here with you. You’re locked in here with me.” – Rorschach

Watchmen has got to be my most awaited movie of all time. Ever since I read the graphic novel last December (Ana Tan you have my utmost gratitude for introducing me to this wonderful piece of graphic literature…hayup! Tigas mo ‘tol!) and found out that the movie will be coming out soon, the vision of finally seeing the members of the defunct crime-busting group in live action—living and breathing—never left my mind.

The Watchmen are not your average superheroes. Spiderman, Batman, the Fantastic Four and all the X-men mutants would pale in comparison compared to these guys. They may not have superhuman powers brought about by a radioactive spider, genes, or vat of nuclear waste, but they have the most kick-ass moves and the most awe-inspiring twisted-ness only Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons can provide.

Unlike many print-to-film adaptations, the movie stayed true to the graphic novel for the most part…that is until the end. The alien monster made by the kidnapped artisans was an important element excluded from the ending part. The film made it look like Dr. Manhattan was framed by Ozymandias for the New York catastrophe. Perhaps that creative decision was made to prevent those who haven’t read the novel from being lost in translation. The whole back story of the kidnapped artists was omitted, so it would only make sense that the monster octopus thingy would also be omitted. Besides, the film was already three hours long, no one needs another LOTR wannabe.

For what it is worth, the movie was beautifully made. The opening montage showing juxtaposed scenes of the Minutemen’s demise and the birth of the Watchmen was so beautiful yet still comprehensive. The more controversial issues of gender preference were made more graphic than the novel’s presentation like Ozymandias’ gayness or the Baroness’ lesbianism.

Speaking of graphic, the film was filled to the brim with blatant sexual assertions. Dangling, glowing blue dick anyone? How about a nipple exposure? How about two scenes with nipple exposures (make that three if we will include the nipples in Ozymandias’ costume…disturbingly similar to that Batman and Robin costume…*shivers)? Oh, and was it just me or was that a wooden phallus displayed beside the Comedian’s TV? Even the nose of Richard Nixon looked phallic after seeing all that dangling blue dicks. Then of course there is Silk Spectre and Nite Owl making love like they have never made love inside a floating airship before. Nite Owl’s butt exposure is a scene best shown in ink and paper.

“You continuously refuse to see things from my perspective” – Dr. Manhattan

Some things kind of disappointed me though. The portrayal of Dr. Manhattan lacked power. He was like an atomic bomb missing a few atoms. I mean, what’s up with the high pitched voice man?! Don’t get me started on that Mars scene too. Then there is Ozymandias. Fake German accent, fake nipples, fake hairstyle, need I say more? Thank god Bubastis was fierce. I am happy though that they did Rorschach justice. The swinging CR door was a nice touch to the Big Figure’s excruciating death scene. They even made his face more bearable compared to the novel. His death scene was also magnifique! The bloody snow angel was so iconic.

So that was how Watchmen fared in the silver screen. It was great but not that magnificent. It was cool. Some parts were creepy, but that only adds to the allure Watchmen brings.

SLUM DAWG

Are Bollywood dance numbers groovier than our local movie dance numbers?

            A. Bollywood numbers are Austin Power groovy

            B. Pinoy dance numbers are Vilma Santos groovy

            C. Only Jean Agor dance moves are groovy

            D. It is written…in this blog

 

Watching the 81st Academy Awards or Oscars is not a priority for me. Despite the event being televised all over the different TV stations, the red carpet fashion being prophesized, and the after-Oscar parties being planned, I had no desire to watch it whatsoever.

But the desire to see the organ-less male figure holding a sword overwhelmed me. Am I glad I did.

 

Hugh Jackman’s one-man opening number was just hilarious in an Australian-playing-an-Australian-in-a-movie-called-Australia kind of way. His song number about the big films nominated for best picture was just crazy, and the ending “Wolverine” stretch was just hilarious.

 

But I’m not about to rave about the rest of what transpired in the Oscars (which was uneventful after the opening number save for the time the audience gasped when the camera panned to Angelina Jolie while Jennifer Aniston was presenting), I am here to rave about the best picture for the 81st Oscars: Slumdog Millionaire.

 

Danny Boyle’s masterpiece about an Indian “slumdog” who tried his luck in the Indian version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” to find fortune, love, and ultimately his destiny, is a compelling and inspiring feel-good movie. Despite the film being produced by the Brits (insert funny British accent), one cannot deny the fact that SM is a Bollywood-inspired film, and as such, MUST include a dance number.

 

The dance number at the end was so groovy I just had to download the song used for it. Every time I play it, I cannot help but imagine Dev Patel and Freida Pinto shaking what their mommas gave them. Just when I thought it can’t get any better…it did. While searching for that dance song, I stumbled upon the Pussycat Dolls version of the song which is as danceable as the original but sexier and spicier (remember that Indian movie, Queen of Spices?), and because I am a good person who loves to share good music, I am uploading the PCD version of the song Jai Ho! Hohohoho!

 

Anyway, back to the movie.

 

The social commentaries on poverty, superficial “economic development” and the brutal nature of the underworld are in front and center in this film. It is funny how the state of poverty-stricken Mumbai is very much the same with that of Manila. The slums, the religious tension, the rising call centers, the orphaned beggars, the singing blind beggars, the various syndicates, prostitution, we have all those in Manila…and even more. If that film was filmed in Manila and not in Mumbai, it would have been more colorful! Heck, even our local films have dance numbers in them! Instead of doing it in a train station, they can do it at the MRT or LRT.

 

The portrayal of India as a Third World underclass nation was of course met with negative reactions from many patriotic Indians as well as “India’s biggest superstar” Amitabh Bachchan himself, who was also portrayed in the film.

 

Well whatever you may think about the film, I believe it’s a good film which portrays realities which may be too harsh to handle, but are very much true. These realities however are not limited to just developing countries like India or the Philippines. Even the best nations of the Western World have thriving underworlds, which are—more often than not—even more dangerous than the underworlds of developing nations.

 

At least developing nations have an excuse for a thriving underworld industry: they are poor and in need of money to survive.

 

The underworld industry of more developed countries are just plain greedy.

 

PARKS, PLANTS, PETROL AND A PANDA

I have just watched Kung Fu Panda and The Happening this week. I have anticipated both movies since summer. I love the surreal feel of animated films and the chills thriller films bring down my spine. Plus Kung Fu Panda stars the biggest names in Hollywood while The Happening is directed by uber great M. Night Shyamalan.

Kung Fu Fighting!!
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift that is why it is called present”-Master Ugue

I love pandas. While other kids might have teddy bears to bring to sleep, I on the other hand had a stuffed panda bear (which I fondly named Nicola) to bring to sleep when I was an innocent (yes, there was a time I was) child. Maybe it’s the beautiful contrast of their black and white fur, or their pure subsistence on bamboo, or because they don’t roar like their unsophisticated bear cousins, whatever the reason is, pandas are one of the greatest animals I have ever seen.

Kung Fu movies are fun to watch. The flips, the kicks, the jumps, the splits, how I wish I could do just one! Chinese martial art is so amazing that almost all action movies have to incorporate it in the fight scenes.

Kung Fu Panda is not the first instance I have seen the two things above mixed. Before the movie came, I was already doing kicks and fancy punches using a panda. Yes, Xiaoyu’s pet panda, Panda, in the Playstation game series Tekken is the very first Kung Fu Panda and not Po. There was also Genma Saotome from the anime Ranma 1/2, but he’s not counted since he’s only half a panda…

I really enjoyed watching the movie. After all it is not everyday that you see Jack Black, Lucy Liu, and Angelina Jolie all in one movie (well maybe not ‘see’…more of ‘hear’ actually). The graphics is amazing and the animation is fluid and flawless. Po’s rolling belly is a laugh! Jack Black’s comic delivery of his lines is not bad either. Angelina Jolie’s sultriness as a femme fatale is still very much evident in her role as Master Tigress. However I was quite disturbed by the lotus flowers atop Master Viper’s head. It is so not Lucy Liu. Hahaha! The abundance of fabled characters is not new to animated movies. The pigs, ducks, and bunnies overload might be too much for some, like me, but the presence of rhinoceros guards is just plain wrong! I am quite sure there that there are no rhinoceroses in China.

“There is no charge for awesomeness…or attractiveness” – Po

Kung Fu Panda is a great excuse to lift one’s spirits in this time of perpetually depressing oil hikes. I just wish I could just fly to wherever I want ala Master Crane Style, or avoid the soaring price hikes like Master Viper, or kick some Arroyo administration butt ala Master Monkey, or karate chop some smart ass female senator in the Master Mantis style, or just punch a hole in the pockets of those greedy oil cartels as Master Tigress, or just freaking die in a sea of peach tree petals ala Master Ugue…at least then I will have true peace like Master Shifu.

Flower Power!

The plants are after us! Because of global warming caused by man’s stupidity, nature is fighting back! Literally! At least according to M. Night Shyamalan’s latest movie.

During the start of the movie, I kind of felt that the plot’s conflict is lame. But as the film progressed and the complexity of the ‘attacks’ is becoming clearer, I began to have second thoughts. This movie gives new meaning to a lot of old clichés. By the end of the movie you might have different views on Kingdom Plantae. Especially if you are a vegan!! Hahahaha!

Old Clichéd Sayings Given New Meanings:
More is NOT merrier! – the higher number of population triggers the attacks
Not all your greens are good for you! – the plants are indeed the ones responsible for the attacks
Just KILL yourself – the plant spores literally causes humans to just kill themselves
One is NOT the loneliest number! – being alone might save you, but you have to stay sealed in your house too
Though the concept of vegetation trying to do us in is quite scary, I don’t think the population of the Philippines should worry. For one thing we don’t have parks in which the attacks might start from. But the thought of plants attacking us is not far from the truth. Recent researches suggest that plants indeed have ‘consciousness’ and can respond rapidly to human stimulus in the cellular and chemical level. If plants like the Venus flytrap can trap insects to nourish itself, it might be possible for plants to develop ways of destroying its biggest threat: human beings.

So the next time you break a twig from that unassuming shrub or step on that poor flowering bud, think about The Happening. It might happen to you! Hahaha!

SWEENEY IS IN TOWN!

 

“I will have vengeance, I will have salvation!”

Sweeney Todd is officially my favorite movie now! I watched it with my friend Luka at Trinoma last Friday, and it was every bit as magnificent as I imagined. First of all I would like to congratulate Johnny Depp for another job well done, and Helena Bonham Carter was a magnificent Mrs. Lovett. I loved her character so much that I decided to create a whole new category just for her! Mrs. Lovett’s Pies would tackle gross and disturbing stuff that have great impact on how we see humanity…or not…Anyway, Sweeney Todd is a great musical comedy (or tragedy), for those who are disturbed by actors suddenly breaking into song, then don’t watch the movie. It is another masterpiece from Tim Burton who also made Gothic comedies such as The Nightmare Before Christmas and The Corpse Bride (both of which I watched and loved). Right from the very start I was already mesmerized. Dominant colors of black and white with splashes (and I mean SPLASHES) of deep bright red cover most of the scenes. Except for the beach scene and Borat’s costume (the character who played Borat was in the movie as a shady character who knows Sweeney’s past and the 1st one to be killed by the demon barber), no other colors were given much importance. I especially liked the beach scene which showed that even in the darkest of hours and most psychotic of minds, there is still a teeny tiny ray of hope of a better life. Some people might be offended by the gory and graphic slash scenes but I find it pretty amusing. Considering that most of the people were very pale, their blood was surely red. Hahaha! A favorite soundtrack of mine is Sweeney’s vengeance song, Mrs. Lovett’s beach song and of course the little kids attention getting song. It was a very funny movie which ended quite sadly. But that’s just how things are, you can’t get all the good stuff in life. That is why Mrs. Lovett had to settle for “scrap” meat in the first place…

PS I have a theory that the reason why Mrs. Lovett was so intent on serving human meat in her meat pies, besides the obvious reason that she has no capital to buy real meat, is that it is her own way of having vengeance. Her husband died from obesity I think (a picture showed her with her very fat husband), and I believe that it is her way of punishing gluttons. Or maybe not…